


Endgame

by Mareel



Series: Always [13]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Chess Metaphors, Choices, Destroy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mass Effect 3: Extended Cut, Nightmares, Post-Canon, Romance, canonical violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 10:44:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3444209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Endgame

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place a few months after the Reaper War was won ( _Mass Effect 3_ : Extended Cut, _Destroy_ ending). It is Kaidan's voice. The summary is from "The Fellowship of the Ring"  \- J.K.K. Tolkien

 

"No! You bastards! Won't beat..." 

His choked-off shout shatters the silence, jolting me from sleep. The man in my arms is shuddering and has broken out in a cold sweat. I don't have to check the time to know he's only slept for an hour or two. I need to try to wake him, bring him back from wherever he's still fighting Reapers.

"Shepard. Hey, easy... it's okay. You're safe... home. I've got you. Just breathe." 

Waking, he turns toward me. We'd been spooned together, my chest against his back. I gather him close, stroking his hair, close-cropped again the way he likes it, trying to let him calm his own breathing. 

"You're scaring me. Are the nightmares getting worse?"

"Not getting any better, Kaidan." 

I've never pressed him to talk about things, thinking he needs to process it all before he can begin to tell anyone what happened up there in the Citadel. I'd hoped he'd sleep better once Dr. Chakwas finally agreed to let him spend nights with me, out of the hospital. He'd grown to dread falling asleep there, knowing his private demons would be common knowledge. 

After learning that he'd been found barely alive, as soon as we got the _Normandy_ back to Earth, Chakwas insisted on joining the medical team managing Shepard's care. I knew he would want that, and who the hell was going to deny him much of anything? 

Once it was certain he'd live, I took the liberty of asking her about how to handle his nightmares. Her answer was both reassuring and vague. "Just do what you're doing, Kaidan. Be there. Love him. Listen when he needs to talk. You're both doing fine. Just don't let _anyone_ push him... not the Council, not the Alliance. No one gets to subject the man to a debriefing until he's damn well ready to talk about it." 

But tonight I risk asking him. "Do you want to tell me anything about it? Maybe just start with tonight... what woke you shaking and in a cold sweat?" 

He surprises me by answering at all. "A chess game. The final moves. I keep replaying the endgame. And I don't even _like_ playing fucking chess. It's not reality. And there's no way to win this one."

Shepard seems to simultaneously meld against me and detach from everything, his voice low and calm. "Down to two pieces left. Anderson gone. My move. Had to make a choice... or refuse to choose. But that would mean failure – so that option's off the table. Do what the Reapers – the Catalyst – wanted me to do and merge all biological and artificial life. That _they_ wanted it was enough to make me say _hell no_. Two other choices: destroy them... or control them myself. Become Shepard, the immortal Reaper controller."

He goes quiet. Cradling him even closer, I rock him gently, pressing my cheek against his hair and murmuring to him over and over. "It's okay. You're safe." Finally he picks up just where he'd left off, determined to finish this... always determined to finish what he starts. 

"That was wrong too. I never wanted immortality. Just the chance to live in peace. Only one possible move. So I did what I went there to do. Destroy them. I knew it would take EDI and the Geth... they haunt me. There was no way... no way to save everyone, no way... to win."

Shepard's voice finally breaks on his last words. His still-mending body is trembling as he buries his head against my chest. There are no easy words of comfort. He has to live with his choice every day, every long night – a hard-fought victory that feels like defeat. 

I need to try to help him find a conclusion, something he can hold onto when the nightmare returns. "Do you regret the choice?" I'm almost afraid to hear his answer.

He lifts his head and reaches for my hand, squeezing it hard. There is something like peace in his eyes as he kisses me. "No. I'd always choose to come back to you. As nothing more than a man. A man who loves you. I promised you that."

I brush his damp cheek with my fingertips as he continues. 

"I didn't expect to live long enough to see the aftermath. It would have to be enough... to know I did all I could." He finds my mouth again, kissing me again and again, and I almost don't catch his murmured words. "I thought of you, at the end... knew you'd live."

I don't know what I can say to that. But I think Shepard will be okay. Not today, not tomorrow, but he will find a way to make peace with himself. All I can do is hold him, make him know he's not alone, that I'll always have his back. I try to anchor him with his own words, ones that have become our pledge to each other.

"Know that I love, you. Always."

__________________________________________________

 


End file.
